Having a loved one in prison is not easy for anyone, including children. When a parent is incarcerated, it affects the whole family. Children need to feel safe, and when one parent is suddenly removed, their world is turned upside down. Some will have the urge to try and protect the children by “sparing them from the truth”. They may tell them the parent is on a business trip or had to go to take care of a loved one, or some other fabricated story. In the long run, that will not help anyone. Eventually they will find out and then the trust they had in the one telling the story will be broken.
Children may not need to hear all the details of why their parent is in prison, but they do need to know where their parent is. They also need to know it is not their fault. Some have told their kids that the missing parent is in a time out for adults. The amount of knowledge given to them should be in proportion to their age and maturity level. What you don’t need is to have a neighbor, or another child or anyone for that matter be the ones to break it to them.
Sometimes the children have witnessed the parent being taken from the home in handcuffs. This is a fearful thing at any age. All kinds of thoughts will go through their minds, one of which is, will they be coming to take them away as well. Being sensitive to their emotions is necessary, and yet so difficult when you are trying to process it all yourself. Letting them cry or talk as they need to is helpful. They need to know the missing parent loves them and has not left because they want to be away from them. Sometimes they will use bad behavior as a way of expressing their feelings. Assure them they are loved, but the bad behavior can not be tolerated.
Taking the kids to visit their parent as soon as possible is a good thing. Then the parent can express for themselves their love for their child. Phone calls, letters, emails are good too. Encourage a positive relationship. There are times when contact is not allowed, and the rules must be followed. Always reassure the child(ren) that this is not their fault. In the process of helping them through it all may also help you. Remember it is ok to get help. Feel free to contact me, and know there are others in your area who are willing to help.
Other suggestions will be shared in future blogs. For now, I pray that for today you can find peace. Know that you are not alone and you can make it through.